A Whole Year Without You

So... it has been over a year since I last posted on this blog. A lot of has happened to me during this time. So much actually and I have definitely grown. I haven't been posting much on this blog because the feelings/loathe that i felt towards people... I Have been able to express it to them. Before, I would cower to this blog and just write what I would have liked to say to those people. But, now I am able to find my own voice. I will still post on this blog because it still is a part of me, but this time I will update you on my life. Anyways, back to what I was saying. One of the greatest things that have happened to me during a whole year without this blog is I won a scholarship to this acting program. First place !!!! And I received a four week intensive acting workshop. Through that I met a lot of amazing people and international students. So, after four weeks a lot of my friends who I still do consider family, went back to their respective countries. It was quite sad !! I still miss them now. Anyways, there were two friends who stayed because they had three more weeks at the program so once in a while I would see them and meet up with them. A boy and a girl. Anyways, to make this long story short.... I began to have a crush on the guy while my female friend liked him too haha. I had a hard time telling her but I did and she was fine with it and I confessed to the guy and he liked me back. I haven't confessed to someone in about 7 years. Last time I did that was in 4th grade and I got rejected hahah. Anyways, it was the first time that I EVER EVER EVER EVERRRRR confessed to someone AND they liked me back. So i was shocked. And I found out on the last day of his program that he liked me back. Now, he's in Slovenia. I thought the relationship would work out. I don't mind doing long distance because I feel that distance makes the heart grow fonder. And it was like that. We would talk just about everyday. Skype when we could. Kiss over skype. I opened a lot of my heart to him and he just stopped texting me. Instead of saying " bye love ya, " he would just leave my messages on read. I would have to double/triple text him for him to respond. So, I told hm about and he said he would fix it... but he never did. He just stopped replying. My heart was in so much pain because I really liked him and he said that he loved me. But, I refuse to let someone repeatedly step all over my heart. So, instead of texting him, hoping he would reply. I am just going to leave him alone. I'm just going to move on and be a single pringle. Something I have always been for the past 16 and a half years of my life. I know that one day I will find someone who treats me right and loves me properly. Someone who will not ditch me and leave me feeling stupid and empty. I will not have to beg him to text me because we will be in sync. I believe that love will come my way. One day. But till then, I will do what I have always done and that is focus on my acting career. :) Thanks for listening to my long rant haha.

New School Year

2 days from now, school will be in session. I am excited I suppose. I am not the same person I was a year ago. Not even 3 months ago. I am learning to be honest with others and be able to apply the word, " No." to my dictionary. I want to love myself. The real myself. Not the people pleaser me and I think it will be okay. I have made my mistakes, but I am over them. I have evolved. Some people are stuck in the past and some people are trying to hold me in the past. I won't let them. I know who I want to be and what I want to achieve. I am not perfect and will never be perfect. I want to be in my own skin and be able to be selfish and achieve happiness. I will start my career this year. No matter what.

My New Persona

Next week will mark the last week of working. I am happy and sad at the same time. It has definitely given me new experiences and has been an eye opener in the things I need to work on. Through the job, I have learned that, I should NEVER EVER EVER let someone disrespect me and get away with it. If someone says a rude comment to me, I reply, in an assertive, but graceful way. During first impressions, I need to be more outgoing in new scenarios. I should never cross my arms or look around too much. Look straight. When people are talking to me I need to give them direct eye contact. I need to form a better posture as well and be more bluntly honest. Also, I need to simply not give a fuck about what people think about me. I plan on killing my current persona and breeding a new me. I plan to dress more maturely and buy contact lenses. I also plan on never crossing my arms and looking people in the eye and being more confident. My co worker has taught me that I need to be assertive, not aggressive. My true personality needs to shine so people know that I am authentic. My character will speak or itself and I need to do things that I don't HAVE to do, but want to do. To sum it up the new me will be: 1. assertive 2. ambitious 3. confident 4. quick witted 5. blunt 6. honest In the acting world, I have to be these things to shine through. I can't be the current me who is shy and introverted. I need to be an extrovert. I will be those things because that is who I am and I need to stop pretending as if I am not. I plan to dress more maturely, speak with more force, and imply what I imply. Thanks guys

My Job

I am having such a hard time writing this, but the more I keep it in, the more depressed I feel. I hate my job. I thought I would be so excited getting a job. I work for an elementary school and I serve as a camp counselor. I love the kids. Although they get on my nerve some times, I truly love all of them. The staff however, are just terrible. Some of them are talking to other counselors constantly or on their phones or do not interact with the kids. MK for example, she is loud and she is able to control the kids, but that is all she does. She barely talks to them. When they need help, she doesn't do anything. She thinks she is the perfect counselor just because she can quiet them down. Not only that, she is rude as heck. It's crazy!!! Like 2 days ago, the class was in the classroom and I sat down and they were doing their assignment. I was only sitting for like 20 seconds and MK is like " Let me have your seat." So I get up because I thought she was going to be doing something more productive. All she did was sit down and go on her phone. Then we have D, she is nice when she wants to be, but she can be so CRABBY. It is crazy. LIKE today, I told the kids to put their heads down. I had no idea that they were not allowed to put their heads down anymore. NO ONE TOLD ME ANYTHING! So she's like okay, you can't tell them to put their heads down and I said okay, but they must keep quiet. Then D goes to MK and is like " right Ms. Kim said that they can not have their heads down?" and of course the baboon that is MK said, " Yeah." I said D, I never said you were lying and she just walked away. She hogs everything. No one can do the attendance, no one can do the lesson plan, no one can take the lesson plan, and no one can organize the lesson plan. She is so controlling and I can't let it end like this. From now on, I will pick up the attendance myself. I want to set up the lesson plan. There is absolutely no organization in the school. There was no orientation for when to pick up the attendance, who will pick up the attendance, who to pick up the lesson plan, when to go to the auditorium, and when to pick up the lesson plan. It is a hell house. I want to work there again for the summer. One thing though, there is this one counselor who I liked and work with and who is actually genuine. I met her on the first day and we clicked. She is more genuine then all the other terrible staff. Maybe I need to be more go with the flow kind of thing and be more initiative. I don't want to be depressed anymore. I hope they keep me for next year. Maybe if I prove them how initiative I am, maybe they will have a reason to keep me.

Passion

Sometimes, it feels as if there are other forces pushing me back from my greatest dream. Trust me, I will not give up. No matter what. I am going to start my acting career !

Dreams: Once closer step

Hey guys, so it's been about a month since I gave you an update. I'm listening to Lorde " A World Alone" and I feel so sad and happy all the same time. I want to cry but then I want to laugh. I am feeling a mix of things. So, I'm getting my child performer permit which will allow me to act. I am very excited. I also wrote my resume. Now, I just need a headshot. My mom is like, " Why don't you act at 18?" and I'm like " NO! I'm doing it now." Because you know why? For the last 3 years of me being in this house, I need to start the things that make me happy. For the last 3 years of my life being in my mom's house I want to start my career so that it will be easier to slip into the acting industry. My family is cruel and mean and they aren't honest. My mom is fake and I don't look up to her. She will move a mountain for people WHO won't jump a puddle for her. Her brother is a selfish piece of shit. I dislike him I will never respect him nor will i ever help him. He is experiencing karma right now. He has been in this country for 8 months and does not have a job, but see my aunt has been here for 5 MONTHS and is closer to getting a job. I am making sure to start my acting career because I don't want to end up like my mom. My mom who gives everything for people who don't deserve it. I am going to do whatever I can I am going to work my ASS off to become a popular actress to do what I have wanted to do. TO DO what is in my destiny to be. So God Please help me because I am not going to live my live unhappy, depressed, and unfulfilled. God give me the strength so that I can become what is destined of me and to never live in the shadow pf unhappiness. I want to be an actress and I will do it in a respectable manner. I will never do porn nor will I do a movie where people can see my completely naked body. Let me Prove the doubters and non believers wrong.

My insecurity

Everyone has insecurities and this insecurity is something that runs deep in me. If I learn something and I'm failing at it... I will bust my ass to become good at it. For example, my friend and i were starting to learn crocheting and I wasn't doing a good job in it. I barely had a scarf and I saw some people with many rows. This made me go beast mode and make sure I was improving in the scarf. I don't like being looked at as the weak one. I know I can't be good at EVERYTHING. But for me, once I touch something or become interested in something, I have to make sure I don't stop at anything till i become good at it. No exceptions.