New School Year

2 days from now, school will be in session. I am excited I suppose. I am not the same person I was a year ago. Not even 3 months ago. I am learning to be honest with others and be able to apply the word, " No." to my dictionary. I want to love myself. The real myself. Not the people pleaser me and I think it will be okay. I have made my mistakes, but I am over them. I have evolved. Some people are stuck in the past and some people are trying to hold me in the past. I won't let them. I know who I want to be and what I want to achieve. I am not perfect and will never be perfect. I want to be in my own skin and be able to be selfish and achieve happiness. I will start my career this year. No matter what.

My New Persona

Next week will mark the last week of working. I am happy and sad at the same time. It has definitely given me new experiences and has been an eye opener in the things I need to work on. Through the job, I have learned that, I should NEVER EVER EVER let someone disrespect me and get away with it. If someone says a rude comment to me, I reply, in an assertive, but graceful way. During first impressions, I need to be more outgoing in new scenarios. I should never cross my arms or look around too much. Look straight. When people are talking to me I need to give them direct eye contact. I need to form a better posture as well and be more bluntly honest. Also, I need to simply not give a fuck about what people think about me. I plan on killing my current persona and breeding a new me. I plan to dress more maturely and buy contact lenses. I also plan on never crossing my arms and looking people in the eye and being more confident. My co worker has taught me that I need to be assertive, not aggressive. My true personality needs to shine so people know that I am authentic. My character will speak or itself and I need to do things that I don't HAVE to do, but want to do. To sum it up the new me will be: 1. assertive 2. ambitious 3. confident 4. quick witted 5. blunt 6. honest In the acting world, I have to be these things to shine through. I can't be the current me who is shy and introverted. I need to be an extrovert. I will be those things because that is who I am and I need to stop pretending as if I am not. I plan to dress more maturely, speak with more force, and imply what I imply. Thanks guys

My Job

I am having such a hard time writing this, but the more I keep it in, the more depressed I feel. I hate my job. I thought I would be so excited getting a job. I work for an elementary school and I serve as a camp counselor. I love the kids. Although they get on my nerve some times, I truly love all of them. The staff however, are just terrible. Some of them are talking to other counselors constantly or on their phones or do not interact with the kids. MK for example, she is loud and she is able to control the kids, but that is all she does. She barely talks to them. When they need help, she doesn't do anything. She thinks she is the perfect counselor just because she can quiet them down. Not only that, she is rude as heck. It's crazy!!! Like 2 days ago, the class was in the classroom and I sat down and they were doing their assignment. I was only sitting for like 20 seconds and MK is like " Let me have your seat." So I get up because I thought she was going to be doing something more productive. All she did was sit down and go on her phone. Then we have D, she is nice when she wants to be, but she can be so CRABBY. It is crazy. LIKE today, I told the kids to put their heads down. I had no idea that they were not allowed to put their heads down anymore. NO ONE TOLD ME ANYTHING! So she's like okay, you can't tell them to put their heads down and I said okay, but they must keep quiet. Then D goes to MK and is like " right Ms. Kim said that they can not have their heads down?" and of course the baboon that is MK said, " Yeah." I said D, I never said you were lying and she just walked away. She hogs everything. No one can do the attendance, no one can do the lesson plan, no one can take the lesson plan, and no one can organize the lesson plan. She is so controlling and I can't let it end like this. From now on, I will pick up the attendance myself. I want to set up the lesson plan. There is absolutely no organization in the school. There was no orientation for when to pick up the attendance, who will pick up the attendance, who to pick up the lesson plan, when to go to the auditorium, and when to pick up the lesson plan. It is a hell house. I want to work there again for the summer. One thing though, there is this one counselor who I liked and work with and who is actually genuine. I met her on the first day and we clicked. She is more genuine then all the other terrible staff. Maybe I need to be more go with the flow kind of thing and be more initiative. I don't want to be depressed anymore. I hope they keep me for next year. Maybe if I prove them how initiative I am, maybe they will have a reason to keep me.

Passion

Sometimes, it feels as if there are other forces pushing me back from my greatest dream. Trust me, I will not give up. No matter what. I am going to start my acting career !

Dreams: Once closer step

Hey guys, so it's been about a month since I gave you an update. I'm listening to Lorde " A World Alone" and I feel so sad and happy all the same time. I want to cry but then I want to laugh. I am feeling a mix of things. So, I'm getting my child performer permit which will allow me to act. I am very excited. I also wrote my resume. Now, I just need a headshot. My mom is like, " Why don't you act at 18?" and I'm like " NO! I'm doing it now." Because you know why? For the last 3 years of me being in this house, I need to start the things that make me happy. For the last 3 years of my life being in my mom's house I want to start my career so that it will be easier to slip into the acting industry. My family is cruel and mean and they aren't honest. My mom is fake and I don't look up to her. She will move a mountain for people WHO won't jump a puddle for her. Her brother is a selfish piece of shit. I dislike him I will never respect him nor will i ever help him. He is experiencing karma right now. He has been in this country for 8 months and does not have a job, but see my aunt has been here for 5 MONTHS and is closer to getting a job. I am making sure to start my acting career because I don't want to end up like my mom. My mom who gives everything for people who don't deserve it. I am going to do whatever I can I am going to work my ASS off to become a popular actress to do what I have wanted to do. TO DO what is in my destiny to be. So God Please help me because I am not going to live my live unhappy, depressed, and unfulfilled. God give me the strength so that I can become what is destined of me and to never live in the shadow pf unhappiness. I want to be an actress and I will do it in a respectable manner. I will never do porn nor will I do a movie where people can see my completely naked body. Let me Prove the doubters and non believers wrong.

My insecurity

Everyone has insecurities and this insecurity is something that runs deep in me. If I learn something and I'm failing at it... I will bust my ass to become good at it. For example, my friend and i were starting to learn crocheting and I wasn't doing a good job in it. I barely had a scarf and I saw some people with many rows. This made me go beast mode and make sure I was improving in the scarf. I don't like being looked at as the weak one. I know I can't be good at EVERYTHING. But for me, once I touch something or become interested in something, I have to make sure I don't stop at anything till i become good at it. No exceptions.

Today

I am so FUCKING PISSED. I'm ranting right now because I JUST DONT CARE. SOME FAMILY IS FAKE AS HELL AND IM DONE WITH THIS SHIT. IM DONE WITH IT ALL. So, today, it is like 23 degrees outside and wind speed is 21 MPH. And it's freezing outside and my mom drove to work and can not find her car keys. She is forced to walk home. My aunt calls my uncle and subtly asks if he can pick her up. This bum ass person said, " Alright. Well I took a shower so I'm not leaving." MY BOY YOU HAVE A NEW CAR THAT MY MOM GAVE YOU. YOU CANT GET SOME CLOTHES AND PICK HER UP YOU SELFISH PIECE OF SHIT. I got you. The greatest revenge is success so when you see me on blockbusters, at the oscars winning an award, and others. DONT SAY SHIT TO ME!

My Acting Plan

So as I said multiple times in my post I really want to be an actress so I'm going to write out my plan. I plan to practice some acting with my grandma maybe in March/April or April/May DEFINITELY I start auditioning for as many things like student films, theatre, film, commercials, even modeling. And gain some experience. Then by like June-September, I audition for an agency and things hit off from there. I hope to be able to maybe be on a sitcom but just not on Disney and Nick. Not those kid shows. I just can't. I'll never be taken seriously. I dont mind TBS, Comedy Central, ABC, but just NOT Disney & nick :C .

Is this the life I want?

My mom I see her as a person who is hypocritical. I see her as someone who lies to please others, even though it hurts the other person. My uncle came in this morning and it snowed the previous night so him and I shoveled snow. I said hi to him. He said hi back. We aren't talking, but we're doing our job. I get my dog and suit him up for his daily morning walk. I turn and look outside and my uncle is gone. Not saying bye to me. My aunt said he said by to her, but not to me. And I'm like wow " Uncle " how mature you fucking are. My uncle: Asshole. Fake. 2 faced. Everything negative quality. My aunt should just dream of getting big. But I can't dream about becoming 18 yet until I complete what I need to so I'm NEVER in a situation where I have to live with my mom by the time I graduate from H.s and turn 18. I will probably never look up to my mom, but I will always care about her. I will visit her, but never her about my personal problems. I just can't. I can't depend on her. But I will ALWAYS help her in what she needs. My Uncle.... to be honest, my life doesn't revolve around his ass. He is a liar, hypocrite, and all those things. But I think God is giving me this hard pressure because I don't want to end up like them. I don't want to end up unhappy, unfulfilled, and negative centered. I want to become more successful then all of them. Not bcause of revenge, but because acting makes me happy. I don't like to be Stagnant and I hope February allows many months of opportunity for me to become one step closer to what I desire. Thank you guys for reading :)

My Self Doubt

I think astrology is a guide to life. But I think I take it too personally. I'm not sure if it's because the negative qualities resonate with me or because I don't want it to be true. But I feel things should be in moderation. My Saturn squares mars. It says I doubt myself and I put too many goals all in at one time which is true. They say I should do things one at a time. I was only looking at the negative qualities in myself and I should look at more of the positive. So I'm going to write down my top 5 goals for 2014. Listing from importance 1. GEt an agent who is able to represent me well 2. Go to as many auditions as possible whether it's for commercials, tv, film, whatever (except xxx) 3. Get a SAG card by the end of the year 4. Act in a couple of projects ( commercials, tv, film, modeling ) 5. Learn Japanese I don't want to be stagnant. Because right now I feel stagnant. I am excited to be able to practice acting with my grandma in February and I'm ready to start it and become vibrant. I want to do what I love. So hopefully by March I have interesting stories to tell you all.

My Aspirations

I know I keep writing a lot about this topic and I know it may annoy you. Sorry. Oh Well. Anyways, I am supposed to be doing acting classes with my grandma in February and I'm so excited! Hopefully, I'll be able to do at least 1 audition before I turn 15. If that doesn't happen, that's okay. I'll do a whole lot of auditions when I turn 15. I look at astrology a lot and my Midheaven is in Leo which means I crave attention. To be in the public spotlight. Which is true. I do. I want to be known for my own talent. i mean I hope I can produce a good performance. I think I kind of like the camera and I hope I am able to become best friends with the camera, the director, everyone who makes the movie possible. Because it would be that cool. I know I will be nervous to do the auditions. I would freak out hearing people saying, " I've been doing this since I was in my diapers. I got this." I will especially be nervous if they are beauties. But I think I just need support. I don't think I'll be able to perform well unless someone who means something to me comes. It doesn't have to be 10 people, but just 1 person who believes in me. I think it will go well and I know it's not good to be depending on people. I don't much honestly. But I need a rock. My family is my broken rock, but if I have someone who believes in me then that is ok. I hope I can just do what I love. I think it would be weird seeing myself on a magazine. Cool but strange. But one thing though I would HATE and even LOATHE being known for what Kim is known. But what I do admire from her is she took advantage of the situation and turned the tables around and made herself an icon. Whether you hate her or love her, you gotta admire her intelligence.