My Terrible Winter Break

I'm trying to express my feelings because I am growing more and more upset. I'm using this blog just to throw out my emotions because it hurts more and more feeling unwanted. My mom, I just don't understand her. She blames me for everything and she makes it as if she's never made a mistake. She makes it as if she was never a teenager going through the emotions, looking from love from her family and friends, and she thinks she is so perfect. She values her brother over me her own freaking daughter! She never sees anything negative he does. He told me to SHut the Fuck up right in her face and she did nothing. She thinks I'm trying to break "her" family apart. A family broke up because I said I wanted an hour to myself. A FAMILY BROKE UP BECAUSE OF SUCH FOOLISHNESS! I can't even comprehend it. Things like this just makes me want to drift away from her. My cousin wastes food more than I do and the one time that I do I get in a lot of trouble. Maybe I should cut her some slack since she's 9 years old but this 9 year old doesn't like washing dishes nor doing her homework. I care for her, but I just feel so distant with people who I know I can't rely on. My uncle is fake as hell. Phony 2 sided person. He will be that person who will smile in your face and talk so much crap when you aren't there. My mom is just like that too. My cousin wastes more food then I do she'll tell my cousin that when her dad isn't there. But if he's there, she'll keep her mouth shut. She excludes me out of her "family." She blames me for everything that isn't a silver lining. I don't look up to her. Sometimes I imagine what it will feel like to be 18. But before that I want to start my dreams I'll be starting classes for my dream. Wish me luck. Maybe when I'm older the relationship will be better. I hope it is. I do. I truly do.

Gon Be On iT

SO you want to play me? Smile in my face, but be double sided when I ain't there Talk mad shit when I'm casper, but be my friend when I'm Kat Pretend you love me, pretend you give a dime for my thoughts, but rather all you know how to do is get me prosecuted I am sympathetic and forgiveful but not no mo. When I consume my dream and you see me on them billboards over the globe Don't say nothing' to me. Cuz I worked my ass off without any of ya'll helps. I made it because of me and the people gave a flying fuck about me

my Anger

So, they say if you write out your feelings the feeling will subside. So, in Living Environment this girl oh god. She got me so upset. I could feel the adrenaline adrenaline pumping in my blood. So on the test I had a hard time finding out the answer to a problem and I needed to go to the bathroom. I raised my hand and i asked to go to the bathroom. Then, the girl is like " The bathroom is locked." So reckon, there re 7 floors in my school. so about 5-6 floors have bathrooms. My L.E class is on the 5th floor. Anyways, I said I could go to the 3rd floor bathroom then. Then, she looks at me and gives me a mean look with attitude. And it's like she's treating me as if I am stupid so I said. " I didn't know damn." Then she looks at me and if like, " Yo who are you talking to?" Then I reply, " I did not know all the floors' bathrooms were closed. You only said one." Then her other fucking friend wants to say a remark too. So yeah. I was upset. but you know what FUCK both of them :) . I mean it from the bottom of my heart. While i see their asses in mcdonalds I will fight my way to my personal goals. No mother fucker is stopping me.

I hate school

I hate school. I get good grades, but I never see the point. I'm never happy in school. My happiness just goes away. When I was younger I Had all these aspiring dreams in the medical field, but now the only thing that makes me happy is acting. I have a hard time sitting still. I do. I can't be confined. It hurts sitting in a chair for so long. It truly does. I need to walk, move, and it hurts so much. But I will be an actress! I WILL FIGHT FOR IT! Just wait for me please. I promise I'll stay good.

My motivation to learn Japanese

I really want to learn Japanese. As a kid, I enjoyed Sailor Moon, Inuyasha, Naruto, Shugo Chara, and more. I loved Anime (still do). I enjoyed trying to imitate their words and there were even words I picked up on. I love Anime and Manga so much. That is my inspiration to learn Japanese. I also want to be able to go to that country and just speak correctly. I hate Spanish with a passion. I hate the exceptional verbs and irregular verbs conjugations. It's annoying! I feel with Japanese the verbs are so much constant. Also, with Spanish, EVERYONE knows Spanish! At least, with Japanese you can write something and they won't know what you are saying. I love Japanese and I love the culture. I want to be able to buy Japanese manga books and read it fluently. If I was able to go through a japanese manga book without having difficulty reading what it said, I would be in tears, because that means I have worked hard. By the end of my senior year in high school, I would like to be fluent in it as well as okay in Spanish. My school doesn't have Japanese. So I have to learn Spanish and by 12th grade, I have to take the LOTE exam ( Language Other Than English) and just pass it. After that Spanish is leaving my life. I just hope I will be able to be fluent in Japanese, while learning Spanish. Since the writing is different from both, I just hope I won't get confused. That is my motivation: Manga, Anime, and the Culture. I want that motivation to be a strong fire burning inside of me that will push me to learn every word that is difficult. Every word that causes me stress. I want that blaze to still burn inside me no matter what.

Sometimes my mind races and I think of the future. Sometimes, I am scared of the future, and then sometimes I am excited. High school is the last year of free education. After highschool, your into university/college. It'll be your first big step into true freedom. WHen I was younger, I always dreamed of highschool. The independence. Everything. But now, I want to take a step back. I feel as if everything is going too fast. I'm scared. But, no matter what, time keeps moving. I still want to be a famous actress. That hasn't changed. But I'm looking at when can I grab the opportunity. I was thinking of doing it when I was 16 to start and gradually working from there. I think I have a bit of it planned out. But I'm scared of my mom and dad's reaction. I know my dad wants me to work in the medical fields and honestly if I pursue this, I can't fuck up. I mean if I still love acting, which I'm pretty sure I will, I would want the fame to keep building, but if it's going at a slower pace I'll make sure I major in something medical. WHen I close my eyes, the first thing that makes me happy is acting, not the sound of heart monitors beeping. It makes me nauseous. I want to guided, and I know only the greater force will lead me to my path. If God wants me to be a famous actress, he'll mark the way there. If he doesn't it means he wants me to path out the way myself, and if that doesn't work choose an alternate route. I pray to God, God wants me to be an actress. "If things fail, try, try, again."

The most painful emotion

To me, the most painful emotion someone could feel is the emotion of being misunderstood. To feel misunderstood, is painful. It feels exceptionally painful when it is your family or the people you love the most in your world. It just feels as if no one can understand you... that you are alone. That's how I feel now. I'm in this house where I feel everyone thinks I'm selfish, that I believe the world should revolve around me, and people who just don't understand me and think I'm the fucking antagonist in the story. I admit, sometimes I make mistakes, but there are people in my family who blame the issue solely on me. I believe there should be a balance. For example, yesterday I came home and found out my uncle and my cousin bought a burger and didn't give me any. And as a joke I was like, " Didn't leave me none, k, bye." And I was about to walk my dog and my cousin wanted to go with me. I let her walk with me with my dog ALLLLLL the time. I mean I guess I was a little mad hat they didnt save me a burger or much of a piece because I spent 5 dollars on my cousin so her and I could have a burger. But oh it's so confusing. Anyways, I didn't let her walk with me once and my uncle and my mom is making the biggest deal out of it. I let her walk with me 99% of the time and the one freaking time I don't let her walk with me my uncle says I have a bitchy attitude and the whole world has the revolve around me. He says 2 strikes. 1 more and I'm out. Like wtf =.= . I know the one strike is going to happen. I won't go 4 years without pissing him off, unintentionally. It's like everyone has to side with my cousin. All the time. She always gets her way.. No one ever sees my point of view. I love them, I do. But I still just feel so misunderstood.